Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
