Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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