I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
