That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
