I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
