he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
