I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
