I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
