what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
