omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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