Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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