You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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