Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We are all done wearing pants today
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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