The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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