so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
