he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
