My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
