So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
