we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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