I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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