Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
