When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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