Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
