i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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