i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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