she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
