I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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