Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just invented taco cereal.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
