please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
