I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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