u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
