Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
