My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
