look no pants
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
