Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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