omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
