i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
