I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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