Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
