I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
