I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
