I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
