I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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