So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
