i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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