I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
