need another drink. this is the easiest way
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
