i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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