Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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