the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
