what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
