new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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