The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
