Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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