Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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