hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
