You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
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I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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