Porn is love you can see.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
