you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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